Beer Joke Page.

Beer, Beer, Beer,Beer

99 reasons why beer is better than women

1. You can enjoy a beer all month. *
2. Beer stains wash out. *
3. You don't have to wine and dine a beer. *
4. Your beer will always wait patiently for you in the car. *
5. When beer goes flat you toss it out. *
6. Beer is never late. *
7. hangovers eventually go away. *
8. A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer. *
9. Beer labels come off without a fight. *
10. When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a beer. *
11. Beer never has a headache. *
12. After you have a beer, the bottle is still worth a dime. *
13. A beer won't get upset if you come home with beer on your breath. *
14. If you pour a beer right, you will always get good head. *
15. You can have more than one beer a night and not feel guilty. *
16. A beer always goes down gently. *
17. You can share a beer with your friends and enemies. *
18. You always know that you are the first one to pop a beer. *
19. A beer is always wet. *
20. Beer doesn't demand equality. *
21. A beer doesn't care when you come. *
22. You can have a beer in public. *
23. A frigid beer is a good beer. *
24. You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good. *
25. Beer always comes in multiples of six. *
26. Beer doesn't mind being in the "wet spot" that IT left. *
27. You can't catch anything but a "buzz" from a beer. *
28. After you have a beer, you're committed to nothing other than dumping the empty bottle. *
29. A beer never costs you more than five dollars and never leaves you thirsty. *
30. When your beer is gone, you just pop another. *
31. You rarely (if ever) find beer labels on the shower curtain rod. *
32. Beer looks the same in the morning. *
33. Beer doesn't look you up in a month. *
34. Beer doesn't worry about someone walking in. *
35. Beer doesn't worry about waking the kids. *
36. Beer doesn't get cramps. *
37. Beer doesn't have a mother. *
38. Beer doesn't have morals. *
39. Beer doesn't go crazy once a month. *
40. Beer always listens and never argues. *
41. Beer labels don't go out of style every year. *
42. Beer doesn't whine, it bubbles. *
43. Beer doesn't have cold hands/feet. *
44. Beer doesn't demand legality. *
45. Beer is never overweight. *
46. If you change beers, you don't have to pay alimony. *
47. Beer won't run off with your credit cards. *
48. Beer doesn't have a lawyer. *
49. Beer doesn't need much closet space. *
50. Beer can't give your herpes or other nasty things. *
51. Beer doesn't complain about the way you drive. *
52. Beer doesn't mind if you fart or belch. *
53. Beer never changes its mind. *
54. Beer doesn't tease you or play hard to get. *
55. Beer never asks you to change the station. *
56. Beer doesn't make you go shopping. *
57. Beer doesn't tell you to mow the grass. *
58. Beer will never make you go to a Swedish movie. *
59. Beer is always easy to pick up. *
60. Big, fat beers are nice to have. *
61. Beer doesn't pout or play games. *
62. Beer NEVER says no. *
63. Beer is easy to get into. *
64. Beer never complains when you take it somewhere. *
65. Beer doesn't need to go to the 'powder room' with other beers. *
66. Beer doesn't wear a bra. *
67. Beer doesn't mind getting dirty. *
68. Beer doesn't complain about insensitivity. *
69. Beer doesn't use up your toilet paper. *
70. Beer doesn't live with its mother. *
71. Beer doesn't blow you off. *
72. Beer doesn't care if you have no culture or manners. *
73. Beer doesn't bitch, yell, or cry. *
74. Beer doesn't mind football season. *
75. A beer won't make you go to church. *
76. A beer is more likely to know how to spell "carburetor" than a woman. *
77. A beer doesn't think baseball is stupid simply because the guys spit. *
78. A beer doesn't think DOS is pronounced "dose". *
79. A beer doesn't give a toss if you keep a bunch of other beers around. *
80. A beer will not insist that those odious Michelin commercials with the babies are "cute". *
81. If a beer leaks all over the room, it smells kinda good for a while. *
82. A beer will not call you a sexist pig *
83. A beer will never make you see its parents *
84. A beer won't claim that the Three Stooges are shitheads. *
85. A beer won't raise a fuss about a little thing like leaving the toilet seat up. *
86. A beer will never stop you from watching Playboy. *
87. A beer won't whine that seatbelts hurt. *
88. A beer won't smoke in your car. *
89. A beer never watchs opera. *
90. A beer will never buy a car with automatic transmission. *
91. A beer will never complain when you disobey nature. *
92. A beer is always ready to leave on time. *
93. A beer never fishes for compliments. *
94. Some beers (e.g. St. Pauli Girl) have fabulous tits. *
95. Beer tastes good. *
96. A beer will never accuse you of rape. *
97. A beer won't raise any objections to an evening of watchin *
98. An ice-cold beer will nonetheless let you have your way with it. *
99. A beer won't make you pick up some tampons when you go to the store.

Contest

There was a bar advertising a contest and a man walked in to find out what the contest was for. The bartender said it is for anyone who could make my horse laugh wins fifty dollars. So the man asked where the horse was the bartender said out back in the barn. The man went out to the barn when he returned he told the bartender the horse was laughing the bartender went out and sure enough the horse was. About a month later the same man was passing the bar and they were having another contest and the man wanted to see what it was so he went in. The bartender said the horse had not stopped laughing since he was last there. The new contest was for who could make him stop got 100 dollars. The man went to the barn and came back and told the bartender that the horse was crying and the bartender went to check. When he returned he paid the man and asked how he had done that. The man replied that the first time I told the horse i had a bigger dick than he did, the second time i proved it.

Skeletton

A skeleton walks into a bar one night and hops on a stool. The bartender asks "What'll ya have?" The skeleton says "get me Miller Lite." So the bartender gets him his beer and says "anything else?" The skeleton says "Ya..........a mop.............."

Kiss my Ass

This guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender looks at the guy and says" Have you seen Ilene?" The guy is rather confused and asked " Ilene who?" The bartender relies " I lean over and you kiss my ass." Well the man was offended by this and walks out the door and into the bar across the street. So he sits down and orders a beer. While he is drinking his beer he tells the bartender what the other bartender said to him. The bartender then told him," You know what you should do, you should go back over there and ask him if he has seen Ben and when he says Ben who you say I bend over and you kiss my ass. So the guy goes back across the street and asks the Bartender if he has seen Ben. And the Bartender said " Yep, He just went out the door with Ilene." The guy asks" Ilene who? ......

Pat

Pat comes home late one night and knocks on the door and his wife answers"Is that you Pat?" He answers "Yes it is me." She asks "and are you drunk Pat?" and he answers " So Am I"

Thoughts on Beer and Drinking

You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and
an airline; it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or
some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.
--Frank Zappa
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That
will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
--Ernest Hemmingway
Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol
than alcohol has taken out of me.
--Winston Churchill
He was a wise man who invented beer.
--Plato
Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
--Catherine Zandonella
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to
thank her.
--W.C. Fields
Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink.
--Lady Astor to Winston Churchill
Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it.
--His reply
If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us
stomachs.
--David Daye
Work is the curse of the drinking class.
--Oscar Wilde
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
--Henny Youngman
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
--Benjamin Franklin
If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I
bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.
--Deep Thought, Jack Handy
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of
mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a
fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well
with pizza.
--Dave Barry
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks
behind.
--Humphrey Bogart
Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine.
--David Moulton
People who drink light beer don't like the taste of beer;
they just like to pee alot.
--Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI
Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.
--Kaiser Welhelm
I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer.
--Homer Simpson
Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and
oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital
ingredient in beer.
--Dave Barry
I drink to make other people interesting.
--George Jean Nathan
They who drink beer will think beer.
--Washington Irving
An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time
with his fools.
--For Whom the Bell Tolls, Ernest Hemmingway
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
--Dean Martin
All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so let's
just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer.
--Homer Simpson

Some Nerve

A guy who has already had quite a few beers enters an already very busy bar and says to the bartender, give me a beer, give everyone in the place a beer and have one yourself. The bartender serves everyone a beer and draws one for himself. He walks over to the benefactor, toasts him and asks for his money. The man tells him that ran out of money a long while back. The bartender physically ejects him from the bar and deposits him prone on the sidewalk. The man picks himself up and strodes back into bar. He crawls on a stool and says to the bartender "give me a beer and give everyone here a beer, but none for you, you get too mean when you drink".

Fishing

Tony and Harold, two avid fisherman and well-known drunks, were out in a boat on their favorite lake one day drowning some worms and polishing off some brews. Suddenly, Tony got what he thought was a nibble. Reeling it in he found a bottle with a cork in it. Naturally curious, he uncorked the bottle and a large genie appeared. The genie said "I will grant you one wish." Tony thought for a second and said "I wish this whole lake was beer." Poof! His wish came true. The lake was now filled with their favorite brew. Harold looked at Tony in disgust and said "you asshole, now we have to piss in the boat."

Bubba

Bubba and Bubba Jr. were driving down an Arkansas back road drinkin' some Budweisers when they spotted a Police roadblock ahead.
Bubba Jr says: 'Dad, are we gonna get caught drinking and driving agin?' Bubba pulls off the road and says: No, son. Finish your beer, peel off the label and stick it on your forehead, stash the bottle under the seat and I'll do the talkin'
They pull up to the roadblock and are stopped, the officer asks 'You boyz been drinkin?'
No, Bubba says, we're on the patch!

Two Drunks

Two notorious drunks are sitting at the bar. One is crying. The other asks what's wrong. "I've puked all over myself again and my wife is gonna kill me." The other drunk says "do what I do pal. Explain to your wife that some other drunk puked on you. Put a ten spot in your shirt pocket and tell her that the drunk was sorry and gave you ten dollars to have your clothes cleaned." "Sounds like a great idea" says drunk number 1.
When he gets home, sure enough his wife is fuming and begins yelling at him about his clothes and how disgusting he is. The drunk starts spinning the lie and says " look for yourself, there's ten bucks in my shirt pocket." His wife looks in the pocket and finds twenty dollars. "Wait a minute, I thought you said the guy gave you ten for puking on you," says the wife. "He did," says the drunk. "But he shit in my pants too."

NEWS FLASH

Yesterday, scientists in the USA revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, they fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started to talk nonsense and couldn't drive.

THE DRINKER'S ALPHABET

A-Alcohol:The key to surviving college
B-Beer:The most disgusting alcohol of all, but great for chugging
C-Class:What you're supposed to get up and go to after a Thursday night party
D-Dancing:A favorite pastime of almost every drunk, usually looks pathetic
E-Emergency:The keg is empty or there is no one over 21 in your drinking party
F-Fucked Up:Signified by leaning over a toilet puking your guts out
G-Games:Anything that involves cards, dice and chugging beers
H-Hang-over:Reminds you of how great last night was and how much you drank
I-Idiot:The guy that spilled his beer on you and everyone else at the party
J-Jail:Where you'll end up after trying to use a fake ID or stagger home
K-Kissing:What you'll do to anything that moves after 15 beers
L-Lord:Person you beg to get you out of every situation involving alcohol
M-Money:That which you no longer have due to too much partying
N-Not Again!:What you scream when you wake up beside someone you don't know
O-Oh shit!-What you say as you're falling down the stairs.
P-Pee:What you have to do every five minutes while you're drinking beer
Q-quilt:What you puked on last night in bed and have to clean in the morning-YUCK!
R-Reform:What you promise god you will do while you're puking in the toilet
S-Sex:What you did with that person you met last night while you were drunk
T-Ten:The number of beers it takes ME to get drunk
U-Underage:Most of the drinking population in college town
V-Vodka:The mother of all alcohols and the best way to get drunk in an hour
W-Worm:The part of Tequila that reminds you of Biology class tomorrow
X-X-Ray:How they can see into your stomach before they pump it
Y-Yourself:The one who drinks WAY TOO MUCH every week-end
Z-Zoned:How you will be for the next 12 hours following drinking

a much better way to tell the string joke.

A string walks into a bar, hops on the bar stool, and says, "Bartender, gimme a beer." The bartender says, "I'm sorry sir, we don't serve strings here." Disappointed, the string hops down from the stool and goes to the next bar. He hops on the bar stool and says, again, "Bartender, gimme a beer." The bartender says, "I'm sorry sir, we don't serve strings here." The string continues down the row of bars in this fashion. At every bar, he hops on the barstool and says, "Bartender, gimme a beer." Each time, "I'm sorry sir, we don't serve strings here." Finally he gets to the last bar in the area. He's tired, he's sweaty, all he wants is a beer. He trudges inside, climbs on the barstool, and says, "Bartender, gimme a beer." The bartender says, "I'm sorry, sir, we don't serve strings here." Pissed off, the string walks outside to think. He's a hard-working string. He deserves a beer. Finally, he comes up with an idea. He twists himself up and musses up his hair, then heads back into the bar. "Bartender, gimme a beer!" Bartender says, "Hey, aren't you that string that was in here a few minutes ago?" The string says, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."

Beer Nut Joke

A guy was watching the game, drinking a few beers and popping beer nuts into his mouth, when his wife began yelling at him. He turned his head toward her and accidentally popped a beer nut into his ear. Both him and his wife tried and tried but neither could get it out. All right she said, lets get you to the hospital. As they walked outside their daughter and her boyfriend walked up and she asked, where are you and dad going. The mother said, we're off to the hospital, your father has a beer nut caught in his ear. The boyfriend then asked, before you go can I try to dislodge it. The boyfriend then stuck two fingers up the fathers nose and told him to blow. The father blew and out popped the beer nut. The mother then asked the father, our daughters boyfriend is so intelligent, what do you think he'll be when he grows up. The father replied, by the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law.

Eire

An Irishman's been at a pub all night drinking. The bartender finally says that the bar is closed. So he stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He figures that he will crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside he tries again to stand up and falls flat on his face. So the Irishman crawls home. At the door he again tries to stand up, only to fall flat on his face. So he then craws through the door and up the stairs. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he falls right into bed and is sound asleep.
He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting. " So you've been out drinking again!!!" " How did you know?" he asks. " The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."

McAteer arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered about the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick. "No," replied McAteer. "I've lost all me luggage!" "How'd that happen?" "The cork fell out," said the Irishman.

Q: How many Irishman does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to hold the bulb, and one to drink until the room starts spinning.

An Irishman stumbles out of a bar and is spied by a Constable. The Constable approches... C: Can I help ya lad? I: Yea, SSSSomebody ssstol my car! C: Well, wheer was ya car last time ya saw it? I: It twas at the end of tiss key! (he held up a key already in his hand) At this time the constable notices the Irishman has his manhood out. C: Hey, Ar ya aware ya expoosing yaself? I: Ohh God, They got me girl too!

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in an orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss." The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "everyone's fine. I'm just off the liquor."

A Brit, an Irishman, and a Scot go out to a pub and order 3 pints. They each find a fly floating on the top of their mugs. The Brit says, "Bartender, can I have a spoon?" and quietly removes the fly from his brew. The Irishman says, "Get out of there!" and flicks the fly away with a finger. The Scot picks up the fly with his fingers and says, "Alright ya wee fucker. Spit it out! Now!"

Short Stories

A Mexican, Polack, Black, Italian, a Priest, a Rabbi, and a Nun walk into a bar.
The bartender looks up and says, "What is this? Some kind of Joke?"

WHAT DO MEN AND BEER BOTTLES HAVE IN COMMON?THEY ARE BOTH EMPTY FROM THE NECK UP!!!!!!!1

Two condoms walked by a gay bar and one says to the other you want to go in and get shit faced

Q: what is the definition of an Irish queer?
A: An irishman who likes women better than whisky

Q: Do you know why beer goes through your system so fast?
A: Because it does not have to stop to change color.

Q: How can you tell if you're wasted?
A: When there are traces of blood in your alcohol stream

Yesterday scientists in Canada revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory they fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsence and couldn't drive.

Ways to tell you've been drinking too much:

1. Don't recognize wife/husband unless seen through bottom of glass
2. That damn pink elephant followed you home again
3. You're as jober as a sudge
4. The shrubbery is drunk from too frequent watering
5. You fall off the floor
6. You hold on to the ground to keep from falling up

Q: Why did God make beer? A: So the Irish wouldn't take over the world.

Q: What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral? A: One less drunk.

Q: Why is Coors Light like making love in a canoe? A: They're both f***ing close to water.

A horse walks into a bar, pulls up a stool, and orders a beer. The bartender asks, "Why the long face?"

A pony walks into a bar. The bartender says, "What's the matter with you?" I'm just a little horse!

SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, beer is unusually pale and clear.

FAULT: Glass empty.

ACTION: Find someone who will buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, and the front of your shirt is wet.

FAULT: Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to wrong part of face.

ACTION: Buy another beer and practice in front of mirror. Drink as many as needed to perfect drinking technique.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.

FAULT: Improper bladder control.

ACTION: Go stand next to nearest dog. After a while complain to the owner about its lack of house training and demand a beer as compensation.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.

FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.

ACTION: Find someone who will buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor swaying.

FAULT: Excessive air turbulence, perhaps due to air-hockey game in progress.

ACTION: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.

FAULT: You are being carried out.

ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar. If not, complain loudly that you are being kidnapped.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with ceiling tiles and fluorescent light strip across it.

FAULT: You have fallen over backward.

ACTION: If your glass is full and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to help you get up; latch self to bar.

SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dim, mouth full of cigarette butts.

FAULT: You have fallen forward.

ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dark.

FAULT: The Bar is closing.

ACTION: Panic.

SYMPTOM: You awaken to find your bed hard, cold and wet. You cannot see anything in your bedroom.

FAULT: You have spent the night in the gutter.

ACTION: Check your watch to see if bars are open yet. If not, treat yourself to a lie-in.

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.

FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.

ACTION: Turn glass other way up so that open end points toward ceiling.

Q: whats the difference between a Indian sqaw and a Indian Princess?
A: about 5 beers

Q: What do you call 1 white man surrounded by 20 indians?
A: Bartender.

Have you heard the new pickup line at the gay bars? Can I push you stool up for you.

Why did god put a womans vagina and asshole so close together?? So you can turn her over and carry her home like a six pack!

Two guys walk into a bar. You think one of them would have seen it!

Three guys walk into a bar. You'd think the third guy would've ducked!

A three legged dog walks into a saloon, looks around, and says, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

This guy walks into a bar with a large bullfrog perched on his head. "Where the hell did you get that?" asked the barman. "Well, the bullfrog replied - you won't believe it but it started as this little wart on my ass !"